"Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment." - Horace (65-8BC)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

So I am sitting here with lots of questions and dilemas about this weekend and life itself. I have been thinking maybe I dont want to go to Ohio. I am feeling very insecure about school and doing all that stuff that comes with it. I just dont know, I want to be near the ocean. After this year I dont really have much to keep me here. I just cant seem to wrap my head around another five years of school in a very, very cold city. Nor the idea of becoming a professor. I cant see it. All I can see is me working at some nothing job, or maybe a gallery and spending all my time at the beach. I know stupid....I dont really care about having all the stuff, just enough...Oh hell I do not know.

As far as this weekend goes I am trying to figure out if I even remember what he is actually like. I remember he does not let much rattle him. His emotions are always hidden. So I do not even know if it is worth all the effort I am thinking of going too. If he even notices he would never admit it. The other question I have is why the hell do I even care???? I do not know.

"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun." Katharine Hepburn

So in one week I will be seeing my ex-husband for the first time in seven years. I am a bit freaked out about it. This is the guy that whenever I saw him my heart skipped a beat, even on the worst day. The one I thought would be there forever. I do not know how I feel about seeing him. I have no idea what I will say. It is not like I can avoid the situation; my daughter needs to see him. He was her father for most of her young life, the one she counted on and he broke her heart too. I just hope he does not do it again

I am a different person now. God, I hope I am strong enough for this. My life is better, I am better, I learned so very much.

A New Direction

Monday, July 20, 2009
I wrote this for a piece in my senior thesis and I have decided to turn it into an actual story. I am starting the next section. I have no idea how long this will take so bare with me and send me your thoughts.

Imagine the year is 1917 and the place is a small town in northeast New Jersey. The cold October wind was no match for the fear Mildred felt churning inside her stomach as she stepped outside the door to her small flat. She turned up the collar on her old coat. Alone, in the early morning hours, she slowly walked through the small town she and Al had come to know as home. They moved here in the summer of 1916, shortly after the two high school sweethearts married. They came because there was talk around their old hometown, in southern Arkansas, that a hardworking man could find a decent job for decent pay, in the northeastern states. The only work in Hollygrove, Arkansas was picking cotton and that could not support the family she and Alva wanted to start. “Change was a good thing,” Al always said, but in this moment she could not see the good in any of it.

The war in Europe was escalating and everyone talked about it, there were signs and posters everywhere asking people to help the British defeat the German barbarians. The posters were encouraging everyone to conserve food, to buy Liberty bonds, and to join the military. The munitions factory started running day and night and Al began working fourteen hour shifts. One day Al came home and said he wanted to go join the Navy and help defeat the Germans. He told her that he wanted his children to grow up in a free country. On September 16, 1917 Al enlisted in the Navy and she was alone.

In one moment the dream of being a mother and a housewife was put on hold, possibly lost forever. Nevertheless, as she walked through town on that cold October morning, she understood her husband’s decision. She knew what she had to do to support him and every husband, son, and father who went to fight for her freedom and the freedom of future generations. She lowered her head as the icy wind hit her face and she turned the corner. When she looked up she realized she was not the only woman who felt the call to help. The job line in front of the factory was filled with women just like her. Her life was about to change, she just did not realize to what extent.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I was just sitting here talking to a friend and realized just how much I missed being near the ocean. The week in St. Augustine made me understand just how much the sea is a part of my being, my soul. Who would have known that a woman from the midwest could have such a connection with the sea. Can I stand 5 years with only visits???? I am not so sure.

A small reminder

This is a great blog and it came to me at a moment when I needed to remember I love myself and I love my life. I am no longer in that situation and I am a better person for it.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did

http://miscellaneousyammering.blogspot.com/2009/07/forgiveness.html

Friday, July 17, 2009

Ok so here is where life always gets me. I may be a well-educated biker chick but I do not seem to be well educated in the areas of finance. Why is it that I always seem to be in these holes??? Why is this part of my life to hard for me to learn from??? Would it be that hard for me to get a decent paying job where I do not have these issues?





Friday, July 17, 2009 Evening

I have been struggling with this stupid blog for a couple of weeks and I just figured it out!!! Amazing LOL



First read this article if you have not seen it on my facebook page.

http://www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/articles/article/4801

Think about it for a couple of days.

Next how many of you out there believe this is true?

I cannot possibly be the only person who believes this.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain

Wednesday July 15, 2009

Hi! I hope you did not miss me too much :o) We had a fabulous time in St. Augustine. I cannot imagine a more perfect vacation. Beach time, leisure time, and down time. The only thing that would have made it better is if I did not have to come home. Oh well such is life, but some day I hope to move there or some place just as cool!

I did not write while sunning on the beach or at the pool. I just enjoyed the peacefullness and sense of calm. I laughed with my daughter and enjoyed watching her be a wonderfully funny and refreshing teenager.

Here are a couple of pictures - Enjoy

Happy Birthday America

Sunday July 4, 2009

So in just three days I will be boarding a plane to Florida. Four hours later I will hit the asphalt of Jacksonville and hopefully within two hours my feet will hit the white sandy beach!!!!! Damn I am excited!! Oh the financial situation still sucks, but as my daughter is so fond of saying (even though I bitch at her every time) "What the Fuck!" I am going to be at the ocean and nothing is going to stop me from enjoying every single moment! I hope I meet lots and lots of new and interesting people.

Oh yeah, I probably will not be posting this blog while I am away. I will probably keep writing but not sure I will have access to a computer. The next few days are going to be pretty busy as well. I will be working as much as possible. UGH! Oh well it has to be done.

Ok time for fireworks. Hopefully we will get some good pictures.

And we did! It was really foggy so they were very interesting. Enjoy, pictures are courtesy of my daughter.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." Thomas Paine

Wednesday July 1, 2009

I have been wondering why today happened. I know that there are things that happen and we never know why, but sometimes I just wonder why they happen to me in this particular area so damned often. It is bad enough that I struggle everyday to enjoy a job that pays very little and is pitifully boring. Why is it that even that gets screwed up? I have not gotten any of the jobs I have applied for, rejected even by gas stations! Wow what does that say? It is really hard sometimes to stay positive. Oh hell I did not mean for this blog to be a place where I complain/whine. So I will stop. My head is hurting again anyway.

Nite