C'est la vie

This blog has come to its end. I thought it would be a place where I could speak my mind and not worry about what I said. Guess that was a fanciful thought. Maybe someday the prying eyes will go away.

TTFN

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception." Edgar Allan Poe

I am sitting here wondering why? What did my daughter or I ever do to deserve this? I was there for every happy moment and every sick moment of that childs life.

I was there through my loves cancer, shoulder surgery, and back surgeries. I watched her giving up and helped her keep on living.

I was there for every basketball, football, or baseball game she wanted to go to.

I was there every Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Father's Day and every Mother's Day. I gave her everything. I took her to every appointmnent, held her hand through surgeries, prayed although I do not believe. I defended her to her mother, told her she was stronger than anyone I had ever met. Believed that she had something to live for and tried to help her believe it.

My daughter was there for every moment of unwanted babysitting, trash ripping, and bitch session.

What did I get from all of that? This? To be called a "whore" for the entire world to see? $80,000 worth of debt? Gee I thought a "whore" at least got paid for getting f***ed in the a**! (sorry about the language)

Sorry I know I said I would not do this, but there are moments when this is all that can do.

I just do not understand any of this. It really is sad and funny all at the same time.

M.

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." Wayne Dyer

I love it when life comes together so perfectly! One day you feel like total sh** and the next day all is right with the universe again!! You stop having doubts about what you believe and realize everything you do believe is true!! Your vision is once again clear and life smiles on you.

It is so funny and yet sad at the same time. I wish I could share it openly with you but this is one of those things that if you open your mouth only bad karma can follow :o) So I will not. But it is sweet!

M.

It did not work as planned...

I took the day off today so I could regroup and get mentally prepared for another few weeks of mundane, mentally draining work. I thought lots of sleep, writing, and reading would have me in a better frame of mind. Unfortunatley that has not happened. Barely any writing, some sleep and very little reading has left me even more sick of my life. Its been a dreary, rainy day here I suppose that has not helped much. UGH!

M

"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears." Edgar Allen Poe

I have not had much time for this blog lately and for those of you who actually read it, sorry. Life has been full of everyday busyness (spelling I am sure is wrong! LOL) Working two jobs is taking its toll, but the bills are slowly but surely getting caught up. I actually have more than $10 left after the bills are paid!!! LOL

This weekend the Red Barn Arts & Craft Festival takes place here in my small town. It is the highlight of the year for me. I missed the St. Louis art festival because of work, so this is exciting. It would be so much better if I had someone to enjoy it with, maybe my daughter will go. Doubt it, she does not find this sort of thing as much fun as I do. LOL

My day job has become a horrendous bore! I work on a project and the lady who ran it was fun and tried to make the boring work we do interesting. This week they took her off of it and put someone else in charge and well lets just say that if she cracked a smile the world would come to an end! I am fighting once again to get up and go and then actually stay there all day! It BLOWS! And working at wallyworld, well, it just is. The holiday season is coming up and I am sure I will not see the light of day for months!

As far as everything else is going, I am loving writing the blog for the gallery. It keeps me in touch with a better side of me. Just wish I had more time and energy for that side. I think I have decided I will be going to school in the fall, cannot really see a way of financially making it if I do not go. School loans and all that jazz.

Well this post has become a bitching session and I think I will stop for now.

M.

"All that you see or seem, is but a dream within a dream." Edgar Allen Poe

So a bit of weirdness has crept into my life over the past few days. My sister asked if it was good, bad, or cautious but I have no idea. Not real sure I want to go into exactly what it is here, cause unfortunatley I dont know exactly who reads this. Although I only have 3 followers I know anyone can read it. So I will just say the beginning of the weirdness was somewhat irritating. I was not sure if the person who began it was trying to upset me or warn me about something. The more it went on the more I believed they were trying to warn me. Although there was nothing to warn me about. But some people, instead of finding out facts just take things at face value. So I explained to this person there was no truth to what they were telling me and I would find a way to prove that. Which I intend to do this week. Since that first conversation we have continued to talk. Very, very weird. A very nice person, but in talking to me they jeopardize the relationship they are in. So after three days of communicating and getting to know them, I told them they were jeopardizing their relationship and if they chose not to continue I would understand. I just felt very weird talking to them. At the same time the person I was talking with had many of the same interests I do, many of the same issues, etc. I liked them.

Oh well we shall see how that goes. Either they realize what can happen or they dont believe me.

"History is a gallery of pictures in which there are few originals and many copies." Alexis de Tocqueville

August 26, 2009

Well I now have 2 blogs running! The other one is more "official" and more of what I want to be doing career wise. Here is the link http://tsugallery.wordpress.com/
This is the art gallery at my alma mater Truman State University.

It was really great being able to do this, it is giving me the chance to talk about what I really enjoy, art! Maybe it will help me decide about school next fall. Right now I am still really up in the air about it, but I am beginning to have some ideas of what I may end up doing my dissertation on. :o) I will have to start doing some research and see what it turns up.

Things otherwise are going ok. The second job is taking its toll on me but I kinda like it. I have an interview tomorrow for a factory job, which I am not real keen about, but the money is great and it will only be for the next nine months or so. It will help pay the student loans and I can save some for when I decide what I am going to do.

TTFN

It is what it is...

Just when life seemed to be getting somewhat more managable. My daughter has been having problems with her teeth for a few months so we went to the dentist and were told all was well. Then Saturday her mouth started hurting really bad and seemed like she had some sort of sore. I just figured she busted it or burned it on something but it just kept getting worse. Today she came home crying, so we went to the doctor and then to a different dentist. She has a mess going on and its going to cost a fortune even with the insurance. Just what I need another bill!!! Oh well I guess if I get offered the job at the factory I will take it and dump one of the other jobs. (The money is too good to pass up even if I dont end up liking it. It is only a year.)

Beatae memoriae

I love my new job. It is fun, hard work, and lots of people to talk to. But tonight it makes me think of the little one I miss so much. Watching all the parents and grandparents buying school clothes and school supplies makes me miss her all the more. I try so hard to put it in the locked portion of my heart but sometimes it bubbles up to the surface and threatens to spill over. I can not let that happen. Allowing such feelings would bring me into such a state that I do not know if I would recover this time. The last time recovery was a necessity, my children needed me. This time not so much. So I must keep it locked away. Someday she will know. Someday she will read these thoughts and understand the tears which flow inside my heart.

I miss you, I love you, and there is not a day that goes by without some thought of you. Enjoy your new school year, learn all you can and stay innocent.

Grandma Shell...

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get."

So I have no idea why I was feeling so weird about last Sunday. I did find out there are no feelings left inside for him. :o) It is kinda weird but I like it. Still can make him do a double take though! That was awesome!!!!

Becky looked gorgeous and all grown up and Anthony is all grown up as well. Weird how kids do that. It was good to see them, only wish we had been able to sit and catch up.

Well I start a new job on Saturday(#2) probably will be taking up most of my time, but I will keep trying to write. Oh and I am going to be doing the blog for my college art gallery. Should be interesting. Not sure what all that consists of right now but I will post a link here when I start it.

TTFN

"Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment." - Horace (65-8BC)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

So I am sitting here with lots of questions and dilemas about this weekend and life itself. I have been thinking maybe I dont want to go to Ohio. I am feeling very insecure about school and doing all that stuff that comes with it. I just dont know, I want to be near the ocean. After this year I dont really have much to keep me here. I just cant seem to wrap my head around another five years of school in a very, very cold city. Nor the idea of becoming a professor. I cant see it. All I can see is me working at some nothing job, or maybe a gallery and spending all my time at the beach. I know stupid....I dont really care about having all the stuff, just enough...Oh hell I do not know.

As far as this weekend goes I am trying to figure out if I even remember what he is actually like. I remember he does not let much rattle him. His emotions are always hidden. So I do not even know if it is worth all the effort I am thinking of going too. If he even notices he would never admit it. The other question I have is why the hell do I even care???? I do not know.

"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun." Katharine Hepburn

So in one week I will be seeing my ex-husband for the first time in seven years. I am a bit freaked out about it. This is the guy that whenever I saw him my heart skipped a beat, even on the worst day. The one I thought would be there forever. I do not know how I feel about seeing him. I have no idea what I will say. It is not like I can avoid the situation; my daughter needs to see him. He was her father for most of her young life, the one she counted on and he broke her heart too. I just hope he does not do it again

I am a different person now. God, I hope I am strong enough for this. My life is better, I am better, I learned so very much.

A New Direction

Monday, July 20, 2009
I wrote this for a piece in my senior thesis and I have decided to turn it into an actual story. I am starting the next section. I have no idea how long this will take so bare with me and send me your thoughts.

Imagine the year is 1917 and the place is a small town in northeast New Jersey. The cold October wind was no match for the fear Mildred felt churning inside her stomach as she stepped outside the door to her small flat. She turned up the collar on her old coat. Alone, in the early morning hours, she slowly walked through the small town she and Al had come to know as home. They moved here in the summer of 1916, shortly after the two high school sweethearts married. They came because there was talk around their old hometown, in southern Arkansas, that a hardworking man could find a decent job for decent pay, in the northeastern states. The only work in Hollygrove, Arkansas was picking cotton and that could not support the family she and Alva wanted to start. “Change was a good thing,” Al always said, but in this moment she could not see the good in any of it.

The war in Europe was escalating and everyone talked about it, there were signs and posters everywhere asking people to help the British defeat the German barbarians. The posters were encouraging everyone to conserve food, to buy Liberty bonds, and to join the military. The munitions factory started running day and night and Al began working fourteen hour shifts. One day Al came home and said he wanted to go join the Navy and help defeat the Germans. He told her that he wanted his children to grow up in a free country. On September 16, 1917 Al enlisted in the Navy and she was alone.

In one moment the dream of being a mother and a housewife was put on hold, possibly lost forever. Nevertheless, as she walked through town on that cold October morning, she understood her husband’s decision. She knew what she had to do to support him and every husband, son, and father who went to fight for her freedom and the freedom of future generations. She lowered her head as the icy wind hit her face and she turned the corner. When she looked up she realized she was not the only woman who felt the call to help. The job line in front of the factory was filled with women just like her. Her life was about to change, she just did not realize to what extent.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I was just sitting here talking to a friend and realized just how much I missed being near the ocean. The week in St. Augustine made me understand just how much the sea is a part of my being, my soul. Who would have known that a woman from the midwest could have such a connection with the sea. Can I stand 5 years with only visits???? I am not so sure.

A small reminder

This is a great blog and it came to me at a moment when I needed to remember I love myself and I love my life. I am no longer in that situation and I am a better person for it.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did

http://miscellaneousyammering.blogspot.com/2009/07/forgiveness.html

Friday, July 17, 2009

Ok so here is where life always gets me. I may be a well-educated biker chick but I do not seem to be well educated in the areas of finance. Why is it that I always seem to be in these holes??? Why is this part of my life to hard for me to learn from??? Would it be that hard for me to get a decent paying job where I do not have these issues?





Friday, July 17, 2009 Evening

I have been struggling with this stupid blog for a couple of weeks and I just figured it out!!! Amazing LOL



First read this article if you have not seen it on my facebook page.

http://www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/articles/article/4801

Think about it for a couple of days.

Next how many of you out there believe this is true?

I cannot possibly be the only person who believes this.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain

Wednesday July 15, 2009

Hi! I hope you did not miss me too much :o) We had a fabulous time in St. Augustine. I cannot imagine a more perfect vacation. Beach time, leisure time, and down time. The only thing that would have made it better is if I did not have to come home. Oh well such is life, but some day I hope to move there or some place just as cool!

I did not write while sunning on the beach or at the pool. I just enjoyed the peacefullness and sense of calm. I laughed with my daughter and enjoyed watching her be a wonderfully funny and refreshing teenager.

Here are a couple of pictures - Enjoy

Happy Birthday America

Sunday July 4, 2009

So in just three days I will be boarding a plane to Florida. Four hours later I will hit the asphalt of Jacksonville and hopefully within two hours my feet will hit the white sandy beach!!!!! Damn I am excited!! Oh the financial situation still sucks, but as my daughter is so fond of saying (even though I bitch at her every time) "What the Fuck!" I am going to be at the ocean and nothing is going to stop me from enjoying every single moment! I hope I meet lots and lots of new and interesting people.

Oh yeah, I probably will not be posting this blog while I am away. I will probably keep writing but not sure I will have access to a computer. The next few days are going to be pretty busy as well. I will be working as much as possible. UGH! Oh well it has to be done.

Ok time for fireworks. Hopefully we will get some good pictures.

And we did! It was really foggy so they were very interesting. Enjoy, pictures are courtesy of my daughter.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." Thomas Paine

Wednesday July 1, 2009

I have been wondering why today happened. I know that there are things that happen and we never know why, but sometimes I just wonder why they happen to me in this particular area so damned often. It is bad enough that I struggle everyday to enjoy a job that pays very little and is pitifully boring. Why is it that even that gets screwed up? I have not gotten any of the jobs I have applied for, rejected even by gas stations! Wow what does that say? It is really hard sometimes to stay positive. Oh hell I did not mean for this blog to be a place where I complain/whine. So I will stop. My head is hurting again anyway.

Nite

"Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment." - Horace (65-8BC)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Well it has been a week since I began this adventure and it is already paying off. :o) I have met another blogger who seems to be in the same place in life that I am. It is very, very cool. My life philosophy: There is a reason for every moment of our lives and if we just let things happen, wonderful and unusual things can happen. I am thrilled with where my life is headed, new friends, old friends, and a brand new Me.

Does anyone remember being seventeen? God I do! It feels like it was yesterday. There are good and bad memories and at the same time they are all great! I do not regret any of it. Insanely fast cars, freedom, craziness, and stupidity. (Those last two are not the same, as any sane person will know.) An absolutely incredible love of life and I did not even realize it. I am glad I know it now because it makes me think twice when I get to uptight with my daughter… I mean really? What was I doing at seventeen? I had run away from home, moved in with my boyfriend’s family and was insanely in love. We did no more than my daughter does or any teenager. Life taught us hard lessons, but we grew up mostly intelligent and mostly sane.

Growing up in the late 1970s was interesting. I would have graduated high school in 1982. The drug/sex revolution was generally over and as teenagers we ushered in the brand new media/digital era. When I was seventeen my boyfriend owned the very first Atari. I was eighteen when the first video aired on MTV; that was an interesting night. I remember the day Elvis died, but not the day President Reagan got shot.

(Thank you Karen, I didn’t hug the tree but I did embrace nature :o) )

A Monday Like Any Other

Monday, June 29, 2009

Well darn, this is the third time I have started this now and I guess I am done. The words are just not coming out right and the mosquitos are getting bad, ugh. So I will wait until tomorrow.

Nite

A Wonderfully Relaxing Day

So this is what I did all day, Mark Twain Lake, Florida, MO Cemetery, and the Union Covered Bridge

What a beautiful morning!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

“Maturity cannot be forced; it takes time, patience, and nurturing. Nature is a great teacher, showing us that everything develops at the perfect time.” (The Secret Power of Yoga, Nichala Joy Devi 252.)


St. Augustine was founded in 1565 and is the oldest continuously occupied city in the United States. Shortly before 1900 Henry Flagler brought the railroad and it became a resort for the wealthy elite of the United States. In the 1960s it was the sight of many famous sit-ins and protests in the battle for the passing of Civil Rights Act. It has a population of about 12,000, smaller than Kirksville. Many historical relics still remain the Castillo de San Marco, a Spanish fort built in 1672, and the oldest wooden school house built before 1716. Pictures below are from wikipedia.org and www.staugustinepics.com/.

"I restore myself when I'm alone." M.M.

Saturday June 27, 2009

Yep, today was pretty much what I thought it would be… Up early, started laundry and the cleaning by 10am was done by 1pm… Read a lot, picked out a couple of historical fiction books for the beach: Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke, Portia Rosenberg and Lord John and the Private Matter by Diana Gabaldon. Siesta at 2ish, then took the movie back, got rid of the bad art work, vacuumed the truck and went for a walk. All in all not to awful boring :o)

Oh! and I got an email from an interesting artist. I am not quite sure about pursuing it but it is outside of my normal realm, so it is intriguing. Art, fast cars, small towns, old architecture, galleries, ballroom dance and swing! All found in one place…to incredible not to check into it.

All of this talk about art makes me remember why I loved school. Constantly having to do something, learn something, and thinking about something that matters to me. Oh damn! I wish I had thought of this earlier, but I can still do it…I should check out the art and history of St. Augustine. Ok so you will be hearing a lot about it over the next week and a half. I am going to do some research and write about it here…

So I must go, plenty of work to do.

"It's all make believe, isn't it?" Marilyn Monroe

Friday June 26, 2009
Well it is Friday. I do not know if that is a good or bad thing. Now I have nothing to do with ten hours of my day! Laundry and cleaning the house takes about four hours total. Gee I wish I could sleep in. Sometimes it is just a pain in the rump being a morning person! :o)
So it is interesting how things sometimes just play out in our lives. I have been single now for a little over a year and to be totally honest I absolutely love it. I can honestly say I have learned more about myself in the last year than I ever thought possible. Here is a list of the major points:
1) I am a street smart Lady.
2) I am an educated Lady.
3) I am a terrific Mother.
4) I am a fantastic Lover.
5) I am a sexy Lady.
6) I am a beautiful Lady.
7) There is a purpose to my life.
8) I must always take the time to listen to what is going on and then move in the direction my soul leads all is what it is.
I think this is a list I will continue to add too.
I still am not sure about moving to Ohio. It scares me in ways but in others it is so exciting. I worry about leaving Lauren here by herself. I think that is what scares me more than anything else. I am not sure if I can do that. I suppose the only thing I can do is let her try. At some point you have to kick them out of the nest and let them fly. She just does not seem ready. Although, who am I too judge? What did I do? I ran away from home. I survived. Lauren has survival skills and I suppose that is all she needs. It is just really scary. I remember what life was like at that point in my life. Well, at least she still has her parents. I did not have that. She can come home if she needs to. So, I will just let her try her wings. She is smart, resourceful, and loving; I am sure she will manage and learn so very much.
I have decided that I need to do something a bit more meaningful with my life. I just have a hard time actually doing something. So I will make a statement here and you all can see whether or not I actually take action. Maybe if I put it out there for the world to see I will actually do something about it. I would like to either work a few hours over the weekend at the Art Gallery or doing hospice work than sit around here going stir crazy. So I will email Judy and Dr. DeLancey’s friend about hospice before Sunday…
Damn, I have got to find a different job!!!! Something that requires brain usage!!! Just checking my email at school makes me remember where I am… Understand, I love small towns but this one…they just seem so backward…Maybe I am an elitist at heart.
Nite…

I hate days like today

Thursday June 25, 2009
Sometimes I wonder why I let these things bother me so much. I much prefer not hearing about my supposed life through the mouth of someone who would not even begin to know anything about it. Jesus freaking christ, if you are so moved on then why am I still the topic of every blog/comment/tweet. If I talked about you as much you talk about me, most people would get the idea that I liked you or something. Must you degrade and humiliate us in your world in order to feel better about yourself? I no longer care what your opinion of my life is. I cared for too long and it is irrelevant to my life. Life is too short to worry about how much you hate me and my family. I know what I did was right. I know I am right. I have moved past it why can you not? I hope this is the last time I bitch about this, but it probably will not be…unfortunately.

The wild and exciting life of a biker chick!

Today was much the same as yesterday. Grateful to have a job, thrilled to be going to Florida. Too tired to write.

"I'm okay with all or any of it now"

I am a forty-five year young woman. I feel as young as I did at seventeen; although my body tells me differently. I do all the stupid stuff I should not do; I smoke, I drink, and I have an occasional roll in the sack with a guy I will never see again. Damn, I am sorry but I do not hurt anyone but myself so leave me alone about it. I know I should exercise regularly but I do not. I am working on losing forty pounds and it is not going all that well. I read about yoga but do not practice it yet. Nevertheless, I am beautiful, graceful, intelligent, wild, and passionate. This blog is about me, plain and simple; a place where I can learn to be me. A place where I can just let “emerge what is there in each moment, day by day, and I try not to constrain myself to any one thing in particular.”


The date today is June 23, 2009. I am happy. It’s late and I should be in bed, but I am tired of sleep-walking my way through life. As gratefully as I could muster I went to work at 7am and clung to the knowledge that it was only until 3pm. Got home in the sweltering heat and was encouraged that an old friend emailed me. A bit later was kind of intrigued by a car racing, artist and who sounds like might prove to be interesting conversationalist.


Life is good. I am happy to be me today. I am thankful that I will soon be enjoying a wonderful vacation on sunny beaches.



Nite